Remeber Me
by Vanndabrithe
Summary: Remember me when I am gone away, gone far away into the silent land; when you can no more hold me by the hand, nor I half turn to go yet turning stay.


Hello everyone! I'm so sorry for not uploading this sooner, but I got it up! Finally! I would highly suggest you listen to '_Hymn For the Missing'_ by Red while reading this little piece of rubbish. I hope you like this.

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So cold and beloved those men were, sitting there again on the grass, on the grass that glimmered so green; marveling at the twinkling stars while listening to the lamenting wind, toying with their hair as they linked hands and souls. Everything was perfect, for one glimmering moment it was all a dream, but nothing that is prefect ever lasts; it will always deteriorate and leave a memory or a scar. That day, Jake remembered it all too well. The terribly frightening emotions that would grasp at him whilst remembering that wretched day, the sorrow that seemed to creep into his very being, down to his core suffocating the very reason he bothered to live. That fateful day from which his bane surfaced, was the cause of all his grief and suffering…causing all his turmoil to stifle him.

It had been a few years since then, but his mind never forgot, not even for a moment. The last night that he had with Dirk; the last night he would ever hear the voice of the man which brought peace with his very breath. He was the one that made him feel safe, wanted, and needed but above all else: loved. He loved with a love that was more than love, a love that caused many to envy and even more to desire. Jake could still remember Dirk's faint affectionate touch lingering over his wrinkled skin. Dirk had been rather clingy that night, refusing to leave Jake's side for any reason what so ever. He had been sticking close to him all night, always making sure he was touching Jake in some way, almost as if he were silently saying I'm still here despite no words being uttered between them both. It was Dirk who had finally asked if they could retire to bed early. This notion caused a foreboding sense of dread deep within Jake, but he thought naught of it, simply dismissing it was an old man's paranoia- but how wrong he was.

"Jake, I'm tired." Dirk muttered into Jake's hair as he held him close underneath the bed covers.

"Then sleep my love, we still have many days ahead for which we shall conquer." Jake whispered back into his chest.

"I don't want to fall asleep, Jake. I'm just tired" his voice cracked at the end as he paused and pulled back and studied Jake's visage. "It's not the tired feeling when you want to sleep Jake. It's like- it's I can feel the entire weight of my actions throughout life just settling onto my shoulders. I don't know but it just…it just makes me tired." Dirk croaked out.

Jake smiled warmly as he caressed Dirked worried face. "Don't worry darling, it comes with being old."

Dirk scoffed as he leaned into Jake's touch. "No shit, but seriously." he paused and lightly kissed Jake's lips. "I thought you should know, just in case."

"I feel like you're saying goodbye, Dirk." Jake voiced before his mind could catch the words he spoke. "It's frightening and depressing, don't even joke about that."

"Jake, you're the kind of person I never want to say goodbye to, only goodnight. I'm not saying goodbye Jake. I don't ever want to tell you good bye, because the moment I do," he paused and took an unsteady breath," I don't know what I'll do. I'm not saying goodbye, not for one second. Jake look at me, please, you are the light in my eyes, the reason I am who I am. I won't say goodbye just yet, trust me you'd know my goodbye Jake. All I'm saying is goodnight." Dirk replied tenderly as he caressed the other's face.

"You bloody bastard, recite one of those corny poems you memorized long for me will you. I want to hear one of them tonight." Jake demanded lightly as he kissed Dirk's palm.

Smiling Dirk began, "But our love it was stronger by far than the love of those who were older than we- of many far wiser than we- and neither the angels in heaven above, nor the demons down under the sea, can ever dissever my soul from the soul of the beautiful Annabel Lee. For the moon never beams, without bringing me dreams of the beautiful Annabel Lee; and the stars never rise, but I feel the bright eyes of the beautiful Annabel Lee. And so, all the night tide, I lay down by the side of my darling- my darling- my life and my bride, in the sepulchre there by the sea, in her tomb by the surrounding sea."

Then they had gone to bed soon after, Jake sleeping in Dirk's arms; the last warmth he remembered from him. The last kiss and the last goodnight escaped Dirk's lips as he drifted off into a deep slumber; one that he would never wake from.

Jake awoke bathed in cold sweat. He had dreamt of that night again, that night that Dirk passed into the next world while he slept soundly in his arms. How many times Jake wished he had accompanied Dirk that night, if only he could- he would have. He had to keep living, it's what Dirk would have wanted, a monotonous existence was far better than no existence at all.

Jake rolled his head to the side to look at the old alarm clock to his right. It was one of Dirk's many contraptions that he kept around for sentimental value; he couldn't bear to depart with any of his lover's possessions, so he kept many out in the open as a reminder to the love he once had. For now, he had awoken an hour before he had planned- beating the alarm clock for what felt like a million life time's now. He sighed and a large grin slowly spread across his worn visage as he remembered the date, he bore that same charming smile that his husband had loved once so many years ago.

He climbed stiffly out of bed, being old was always a challenging adventure he had convinced himself many years ago; being a true gentleman, he never turned down a good chance adventure not even when his only adventure in life was a lie. Hobbling over to his closet he began to dress in his finest clothes, leisurely and without haste. Once finished he turned and looked sadly across the room. There wasn't much- just the bed, a dresser, a night stand, and a worn down bookcase filled completely with photographs of his travels with his husband. Slowly and painfully he walked over to the other side and picked up the picture of Dirk that rested on the bottom shelf of the bookcase. He looked absolutely smashing with his crocked grin and his awful tan line which he picked up from their eighth honeymoon to Mexico; he chuckled lightly but none the less brought it up to his lips and kissed it lightly and longingly.

"Morning love," he told the picture as he held it close as his eyes began to mist over, but he only rubbed the tears away and put his glasses back on as he sniffled.

Slowly he walked down the hall deciding that skipping breakfast every once in a while wasn't going to kill him and that his need to visit Dirk was enough to justify not eating…for now. Heading directly to the closet he obtained his coat which he promptly paced on his forearm, grabbing his hat and cane on his way out, he paused momentarily to check his appearance before stepping outside.

The day itself was cold and cloudy with not an ounce of sunshine to be seen or felt. Dreary would have been a perfect description for the day, had it not been for the fact that he was going to visit his beloved. Cold permeated the day causing the ever present breeze to feel a little colder than usual. Jake smiled momentarily as he felt the wind hug his face and remembered how John use to do that in a teasing manner to him, but those days were all lost to the winds of the world. Sighing deeply he proceeded down to the florist a little way down the street of identical looking houses.

Walked into the little florist shop was like stepping into the jungle except that he was almost instantly assaulted by the most wonderful smell of flowers. The place was small with only enough room to fit about ten people and all the flowers that called it home- it had a familiar feeling though, very much like home as it invited the people that decided to set foot inside. Jake shuffled slowly and was met by the middle aged owner who was almost always present. He was a shorter man on a heavy set frame that caused him to look about ten years older, his face was pigmented with a nice black coffee hue that caused one to instantly be drawn to him, he was a nice man with an infectious smile.

"Morning, Mr. Strider. What can I get for you today?" he asked Jake cheerily as he bounced over to Jake.

"Morning Mr. Detroman, I'll have sixty-five chrysanthemums, please."

The man placed a hand on top of Jake's and spoke softly, "Going to visit your husband again aren't you?"

"Yes, it would've been our sixty-fifth anniversary today," Jake replied shakily.

"We all miss him; he was a good man and an even better comedian."

Jake snorted a little as he smiled "The things he came up with." He couldn't bear finishing the sentence but was only met with a stare that said 'I know.'

"Tell you what Mr. Strider, I'll have them delivered to you at the cemetery in an hour. It might not be my place to say this but you're a little old to be carrying that many flowers by yourself."

"If that's the case, then I'd also like two dozen white roses, for a couple of young rascals that were being foolish and soared with the wind."

Jake exited the florist, with a defeated smile as his sorrows piled up in his mind. Grimly he walked on for what seemed like an eternity with a box of Dirk's favourite Chinese take-out and some of his favourite wine. Slowly he proceeded onward, trudging through his waking life that had now blurred the line into his memories; it was painful to have to do this every year, it was painful that he had to live for so long without the one who had made him feel whole. They had been brilliant together.

He arrived shortly after only to be greeted coldly by the heavy old iron gate, with a seldom creak of its hinges warning him that it did not wish to be opened once more. He then skimmed over the green grass that ran on the rolling hills which sloped gently and gracefully, he skimmed for something, anything that he knew was not there. Stifling a sob he stepped forward and took his time as he walked taking in every bare tree, every signing bird, and every crow cawing as he walked onward. The wind whispered hello as he finally he stopped atop the hill barren except for the old oak overhead and the lonely tombstone protruding from nature. Jake sat in front of Dirk's grave smiling as he placed his belonging on the ground and proceeded to clean the tombstone reading:

**_Here lies Dirk Strider_**

**_Wonderful husband and friend_**

**_He shall be missed by all__._**

**_Rest in peace_**

Jake smiled sadly as he remembered engraving those words on the tombstone. He didn't do that when Dave and John had passed away from a skydiving trip to New Zealand gone wrong, they had been so young and so full of vigor and ambition. They had been cremated and their ashes scattered to the wind of the pure New Zealand air – they stayed in same place that had claimed their lives. Jake remembered that it had been a long standing joke between John and Dave that if they had to pass way they were going to do it together- even if the other had to wait decades. If either died first they were to be cremated and their ashes kept with the other until the other passed away so that they could go together. Go together and stay that way, forever. No one thought that their joke would have to be fulfilled that early in life, but they honoured it anyway.

It made Jake shed tears as he recollected the information in his head. It had been a terrible day; he had felt empty, cold, desperate, and hysterical as he heard the news of John and Dave having lost their lives at the tender age of twenty-three. The worst part was that they had done nothing with their lives yet. They would never raise a family, they would never be wedded, there would be no raising children, and no heart breaks of any sorts. All of that had vanished in a blink of an eye, a blink that that the whole world had taken, but never cared to remember.

Now Jake sat there in front of the only tombstone waiting for the flowers to arrive. The wind tossed his hair back and forth with an icy touch that felt slightly playful and longing. The sun had battled its way out from behind the clouds, and shone weakly for a few moments before receding back into the protection of the clouds. It didn't take long before the flowers he bought arrived, they were placed solemnly all around the tomb. Jake sat there numbly at he stared at the flowers surrounding the tomb, crying softly as he continued to stare without uttering a single word.

"You know Dirk I could have sworn that I did this only yesterday," Jake stated as he rubbed the tears away. "I come here every year, every year hoping that I can feel your presence for a split second, but I never do – I never do. I'm lonely without you Dirk. It's a terrible thing being without, you know. I'm missing my partner in crime, my lover, my best friend, my other half." Jake heaved out between sobs.

How long had he been doing this again? Five? Six? Seven? Maybe eight years now? Always the same, always the exact same thing; except for the extra flower representing another year of what would have been their marriage.

"Sometimes Dirk, sometimes I feel like you're trying to reach me in my dreams, but I always wake up right before you get there. Always! Why do you always leave before I can touch you!? Why do you always do this to me!? WHY!? DAMN IT! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR GAMES! I JUST WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN! HOW IS THAT SO BAD!? I WANT TO SEE YOU AND TELL YOU I LOVE YOU! I DON'T WANT TO BE ALONE ANY MORE! I'VE LOST EVERYONE I LOVE! I'M AFRAID! I'M AFRAID THAT I'LL BE ALONE EVEN LONGER THAN I HAVE BEEN! I WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN! I JUST – I JUST-I just...want to see you again." he trailed off as his anger released him and left him alone with the large gaping wound in the middle of his chest. He felt afraid and lonely, like he was suddenly the only person that existed.

Jake sat there feeling his chest ache, he felt empty and hurt. He had felt this before, the aching that wouldn't go away, the aching that seemed to only grow until it consumed him in a morose blanket of despair. Internally he was dying, he could feel it, he was shutting down from his heart ache. The gaping hole that had appeared the day Dirk died was consuming him. He would no longer be Jake, he long ago ceased to be Jake. At best he was just a shell- a shell that encompassed nothing but a tortured soul that longed to be free.

"I use to love living; I use to be so excited about everything, but Dirk- I absolutely hate it now. I hate living. I hate that I don't have you with me anymore. Do you know how hard it's been? I've been waiting, I've been waiting all this time to be with you and I still haven't reached you. How long do I have to wait? How much longer?" he paused as he took a deep breath to steady himself, "Because at this rate I don't know how much longer I can fool the world. I could never fool you. I get these feelings sometimes- it's like you're teasing me about something. It's a long story, love…I seem to be full of them now. Of long stories that is, long stories that you'll never hear."

Jake slowly curled up next to Dirk's grave and pretended that Dirk was laying there next to him asleep, on some odd picnic date. Tears kept falling down as he just lay there and reached out with a hand to touch the earth, he felt nothing; not the cold playful wind nor the darkness beginning to embrace him.

Stiffly he sat up and wiped his face gathering his belongings. The walk home was slow and painful, every step he took was harder than the one before. It took everything he had to resist the urge to run back and cling onto the cold stone, he felt himself sinking lower and lower into a sea of despair. Every wound was opening and he was powerless to stop it. He was powerless. Absolutely powerless.

Jake stopped and looked at the house he and Dirk had shared. It was small, but just the right size for the both of them. It was a fading copper colour, with small windows and a small almost nonexistent lawn. There were no flowers, at least not anymore. Once there had been beautiful white cyclamen, daffodils the colour of the sun, lavender that would fill the air with an aroma that was delightful to everyone, and pink peonies. Dirk would always make a tired Jake tend to them an hour before the sun would rise; Jake bit his lip as he remembered and just stormed inside before he did something stupid.

Not bothering with anything he headed for his room, completely oblivious to Cal who had appeared on the shelf in the living room. Cal sat and observed as Jake made a beeline for the door on the right.

Jake pulled out his journal and began to write:

_Dirk,_

_ I hate you. I hate you-but I can't stop loving you. I've been crying too much today you know, people might actually think you were worth all this pain. They don't know the half of it, because you are worth so much more than just my tears. We had our ups and downs, just like everyone else. I trusted you with my heart and you being the complete ass you are, ran away with it. _

_ I've had quite some time to think about this but…I don't ever regret all the years we spent together. I sometimes doubted, if I should keep lingering in your light or whether I should move forward, but then I realized that I've known the answer all along. You are worth it, you've always been worth it. I never did appreciate what I had. I was selfish, mean, rude, and that's just skimming the surface. _

_At this point I'm sure I'd laugh awkwardly if you were around. I've grown soft and old. I miss you, old friend. I miss you, my love. I miss you, my Dirk. _

_I found this the other day; I think you'd like it. It's by Christina Rossetti, but then again you were always a picky bastard:_

_Remember me when I am gone away,  
Gone far away into the silent land;  
When you can no more hold me by the hand,  
Nor I half turn to go yet turning stay.  
Remember me when no more day by day  
You tell me of our future that you planed:  
Only remember me; you understand  
It will be late to counsel then or pray.  
Yet if you should forget me for a while  
And afterwards remember, do not grieve:  
For if the darkness and corruption leave  
A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,  
Better by far you should forget and smile  
Than that you should remember and be sad._

_I hope it makes you happy that it reminds me of you. Everything reminds me of you- and I really wish it didn't- because it hurts. It hurts too much and I don't know how much more I can take. It just gets harder and harder every day to continue on, it's just so hard to live without you; hard to live without the one good thing in my life, the one good person who made me feel like I was worth anything. I would happily trade all of my tomorrows for a yesterday with you, because you were the center of my universe and I am so utterly lost without you._

Jake hiccupped as he placed a hand over his mouth and sat back; he didn't have any tears left, but had he any they would have been shed without a doubt. He was too distraught with his own thoughts that he had barely noticed he was trembling slightly. He shook just enough that the pen dropped from his hand and startled him out of his thoughts. Looking down he inhaled a shaky breathe that caught in his throat causing his eyes to sting, but no tears to fall.

Rising stiffly and in pain Jake changed into his sleepwear and then proceeded to bid the picture of Dirk goodnight.

"So I'll wait for you like lonely house, till you will use me again and live in me. Till then my windows ache. I remember you told me that once, Pablo Neruda, I believe was his name. You were always the best thing that happened to me at the end of the day, you know. Good night my love, I'll always love you, always."

Slumber did not come easy to Jake that night. The bed was too hard, or too cold, or even too warm. It eluded him, just like the happiness he sought, just like everything else he sought. Eventually, sleep took him into her bosom and held him there only to, later gently place him in the arms of his love.

He wasn't meant to wake, and nor did he, for he was too far in the bliss of sleep. He felt naught the kiss that was placed on his forehead, nor his named muttered by a voice that broke. Nor did he feel when he was finally in the one place he wanted to be. He felt naught the warm drop of water on his face as the love of his life clung to him in desperation and wept, he cried in grief from having to take him away from life and in joy from having him once more.

Choking on his words Dirk spoke out loud," All paths lead to you where e'er I stay, you are the evening star at the end of the day. All paths lead to you hill-top or low, you are the white birch in the sun's glow. All paths lead to you where e'er I roam. You are the lark song calling me home."

Jake awoke the next morning cradled in Dirk's arm. _I'm dreaming, I'm dreaming and I'm not waking up. Jake English if you so much as stir and wake up, I swear you are a dead man or so help me god,_ he thought.

"You awake yet?" Dirk's voice broke as he loosened his hold on Jake.

"Sh, I'm sleeping, I don't want to wake up just yet." Jake mumbled as he snuggled in closer to the warmth of Dirk's body.

"If that's what you want. I have issues with myself disciple though. I might just kiss you out of the blue." Dirk joked as his voice grew faint.

"Kissing would be nice." Jake mumbled as he rolled onto his back. "Though that'd probably mean I'm officially insane now. I'll walk into the therapist's office and be like 'I had a lucid dream that my dead husband and I made out.' Yeah don't really fancy that conversation, not even hypothetically."

"Jake," Dirk paused as touched Jake's face. "You're dead."

"I'm what now?"

"I'm sorry, but you're dead."

"So this isn't a dream?" Jake's voice trembled.

"Shit's legit man," was his response.

"You mean, I get to spend however long I want to with you? I get to stay with you and you won't leave?"

"Basically. We just stay here and relax while we get to bask in each other's company."

Jake leaned closer and kissed Dirk with all the passion that he had stored in him after all those years. It was the absolute best, he felt whole once more. For the first time he was whole once more.

"You idiot! I was so scared, so lonely, so desperate to see you again. Do you have any idea just how much I suffered because I missed you? I loved you, Dirk. I love you so much, but I suffered so much for it, so fucking much. Every day I spent without you was an eternity- I wanted to die Dirk. I wanted to just curl up and die. You're an absolute-" Jake sobbed into Dirk's chest.

Dirk pulled Jake closer and ran his fingers through his hair, "I know. You have no idea how much I wanted to be there with you, it was hard on me too. I can't say it's alright, because it isn't, and there's no way I can take it all back. I'm right here with you right now. I'm right here with you right now, and that's all that matters," Dirk reassured Jake as he tried to stifle his own sobs.

After a while, Jake looked up and smiled between tears pulling Dirk closer until their foreheads touched. "You stole my hear Dirk, so I think I'll steal yours."

Dirk threw his head back as he laughed shakily. "It was yours from the very start. There's nothing else left that you don't own."

"Good, because I it to stay that away forever."

"Forever is a very long time."

"We have enough time. We have plenty of time."

So they stayed that way even while Jake's body was buried next to Dirk reading:

**_Jake English_**

**_Loyal husband until the end_**

**_May he find what he seeks_**

**_Rest in Peace_**


End file.
